sea, sex and sun

the days are beautiful and the vitamin d makes such a difference.
i'm feeling better every day and it's good to have a broken car in this weather.

i keep forgetting to write my dreams down... rather avoiding it, but i'm going to get around to it.

my friends in clermont have a really great band that sounds a bit like "why?" they are pretty incredible.
here's their "myspace"

i hope you know how much i love you.


like shit

I never felt so sick in all of my life.

Oh I thought I could write about it but oh I was wrong.

ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh woe is me.



Had a dream last night that Sara Brooks was around and so was her friend Trevor. I thought he was cute and told her so found out that he was the first boy Sara had sex with and he was from Washington state. I asked Sara why he had a really cool Oklahoma tattoo with a star on Tulsa and she got upset because he stole that tattoo from her. She had one on her upper back just below her neck that looked like a messy woodblock print of a bird and a house.

I worked for a bookstore and for the library and my schedules were getting mixed up. A girl I know from highschool was having a big party and I was invited and I had to rush around to try to get there. It turned out that I didn’t have to work at the library at the same time as the bookstore, I found out on the facebook because Sherman told me in a video message. My mom had some kind of art show party that I was missing or needed to go to.

I got to the bookstore and it was a Christian store. I’d been in once before with my huge art history book and I looked at shelves and the owners and their kids. They played bad Christian music. I was afraid at first that they would think I was stealing the art book but I soon got over it. The place was open but crowded with sub-par books: change your life through Christ shit and children’s adventure novels. There were needlepoints framed on the wall and stuffy pink and faded yellow armchairs. The stereo was by the front door where there was a table and some chairs. The register was in the back, up a bit from the rest of the store on a kind of side platform.

I left in my yellow Volvo. When I came in to actually work there, the owner was a skinny older man with gray hair. He told me that they had some music to play if I wanted to… “megan…” something. Some Christian smooth crap. He didn't train me and when tgey left he and his son were in the car and I asked questions but they were babysitting questions and their kids were going with them. I played my own music and my sister and brother (Seth) came to visit. In the other room (the bookstore was in a church that looked not unlike a house) there was a dormitory barely distinguishable from my viewpoint by the metal beds on the wall. A half naked black man was walking around like he lived there and looked like hed just gotten out of the shower and I was very confused. Havilah had to point out the dormitory to me and explain why he was there. There was a woman too and a social worker who they talked to on the stairs but I never saw the social worker; she was only implied by sound. Seth having disappeared when the black man and his friend appeared, Havilah and I left the bookstore… my shift may or may not have finished but that didn’t matter: it was time to go. At the library we talked to people -but not really there was no actual conversation- at the circulation desk and girls went in and out. I felt claustrophobic. There was some bright green somewhere, and pinks. Probably on someone’s shirt, but that part was important. A girl confronted me with her eyes about listening in on her conversation.

The girl from highschool would call to confirm my rsvp and I’d have to call her to say I would be late. Dad was in the dream somewhere and a house I didn’t know.


the moving image

These are the things I watched on the television last night:





An ex boyfriend became a vampire and started to bite people. He wore a button-down worn in plaid shirt and jeans.
I still had liked him I guess and he wanted to get together against the
wishes of my mother and my friends. We did anyway and he bit me while we were having sex on a couch in a grey almost foggy room (it was more translucent than foggy) but I didn't die or become a vampire (when I woke up I thought that maybe there was some kind of time-lapse... We'd kissed after her bit me which would mean that I would have drunk blood but maybe it took a while until I became a vampire). I was afraid of his biting me but I also liked it. There was a woman who I didn't know who didn't want us to be together either and to whom I kept justifying my actions while telling her that I knew she was right.

Havilah was visiting from somewhere and had a big bag. We were staying in a hostel/grocery store/apartment. There was an ATM in the girls' showers and it kept moving, it was later explained to be a portable ATM machine.
The vampire ex boyfriend kept leaving and coming back. He would go to parties and meet cute girls and bite them. He probably had sex with them too.

We had a party in the grocery store living quarters and Vampire BF came with his friend. VBF kept coming close to me and we would hug or something but I really really didn't want him to bite me again so I was reluctant. There was a floppy bed and lots of people at the party.
I had a feeling of being surveilled by the state, especially at the party.

There was a woman who stood in between Havilah's room and the kitchen near a chair and a Latino man. She was tall and solid with big black hair and a blue suit that she had made herself. She and I spent a lot of time talking about how she made the suit. She was self-concious about how she'd put breast pockets with buttons on the front. I told her that they looked nice. I thought maybe she was in the navy and asked her continuously what organization she belonged to (cause she definitely belonged to something) and she kept telling me but the music was too loud or her voice was too distorted so I missed it every time.

Havilah's huge bag had something in it that I really needed and I kept sorting through her clothing and soap but never found anything.

Mom and Havilah and I went to the mall and were shoe shopping. Someone was watching us there too and we were supposed to meet someone like my brother Seth. The shoe store was small and cramped and Mom found some nice ones. I kept trying shoes on and Havilah was watching in a corner. Lots were mismatched but still tied together. There were no true blacks: only plums and off whites. The white shoes were birkenstocks but looked like heavy flats. They hugged my feet very tightly and had great arch support. Havilah and Mom might have been getting impatient but they weren't showing it too much. The clerk was cold. The shop was surrounded by windows.

The colour pallette for this dream was very subdued: A lot of haze and plums, greys, light browns. Maybe some swamp greens. These were all the colours until I spoke to the woman in uniform. Her suit was bright blue and looked like polyester. Her shirt was very white and slightly wrinkled, her face was kind and very very worried, like someone was watching her or she was botching up a heist, and the kitchen had wooden light brown varnished rounded back chairs and white linoleum floors. And the part with Havilah's bag had some yellows and was a bit more detailed.


old stuff

i worked on photos today and am thinking of staying all night at the ceramics studio. all semester - one month now- i've been to only one class time. it's pathetic.

i keep having dreams about my old apartment and the bedroom floor. i dream that i still live there or i'm visiting and the landlords have refinished the wooden floors and put carpet beyond the bed. the floors were beautiful: light and well polished. i was angry and anxious; i wasn't supposed to be there.
needless to say i suppose, the dreams are nerve wracking and scattered.

i'm happy to be working with europe images again.
my free time will involvethem for a while i think and that's great just great.


hey "babay"

got stoned last night, wrote an email to max.
babysat this morning for todd's kids who are adorable. really cute kids, and really well-behaved.
housewives of orange county is the biggest waste of time on television.
maybe something can be gleaned from it... like how f-ed up rich mostly white people are.
i'm hungry veggie pizza delicious. movie stonight havilah's having a party so i'll go there need to do dishes think i'll bake cookies.
i like the new blogger... now it's easy photo posting i guess. i'll do that later though.

captain's courageous was on tcm the other day and i remember watching it when i was about 9 or 10 because grandma made a tape of it for us. spencer tracy is in it and does a really phoney latin american accent. there's mickey rooney too. i used to watch movies of him with judy garland. like the andy hardy movies. i loved those. they were too wholesome and i think i knew it but i like the old fashionedness of them. i never finsihed captain's courageous, and 2001: a space odessey is on now and i've never finished that either. i'm gonna eat this pizza and take a nap. very cold today: overcast. i like it but not being in it.

joke that mom used to tell and which i later saw in pulp fiction, only to even later wonder if she told the joke because she saw it in pulp fiction:

momma tomatoe, pappa tomatoe, and baby tomatoe are walking home. baby tomatoe starts to lag behind. pappa tomatoe walks back to him, stomps on him, and says "KETCHUP!"


sarah capshaw
to Maxime
show details
2:37 am (12 hours ago)
Hi. How are you?
Do you want to start writing emails again?
I read some of our old ones the other day.
Some of them were really nice to see again.

How is your internship?
My job is good, I meet a lot of interesting and bizarre people everyday.
I wish you could be here. There was a party tonight at Joe, Yasmeen, Gavin, Ashley and Shereen's house.
It was really fun. I just got very stoned and wanted to dance. But the dancing was kind of boring.

How is France? Is it cold? It's cold here. We had a really nice day the last time we talked, but the next day was really
cold and it's going to stay that way for a while. I rode my bike tonight anyway.

School is not bad, I'm very happy with most of my classes. I'm having a hard time explaining
my artwork and talking about what I want to do with it- what i want to say- but I think I'm
making more progress than I did in the past. I'm starting to write again.

I really miss you Max, and I hope you are okay. Tell me about your job and where you live. I like to think about what it looks like
on yoru end when we talk, especially when you talk to other people at the same time as to me.

I'm listening to Gonzales right now, the piano. It's nice. I always think of Lyon when I hear it.
I watched some clips fom Paris, Je T'aime on YouTube the other day. They have whole sections!
I watched the one with Natalie Portman and the one with the American woman who is alone.
I've been listening to Francoise Hardy and Serge Gainsbourg. Do you often listen to The Moldy Peaches?
I bought The Science of Sleep too. I haven't been able to see the whole thing yet; I've just watched it in sections.

Can you do me a favour? I want to know from you what you remember from this summer. If that's hard for you then don't worry about it, but I want to use some of it for my project and anything you have to say will be really good to use. Anything at all.

Okay, well write soon.

gros bisous,


sarah capshaw


i, um, i mean yeah

So I don't do this very often lately but I think it's time to again
or at least to organize or something.
New house in a duplex next to Matt and that's really nice.
I thought a lot last night about how to make the backyard look nice. There is a big backyard, it's big and long and I'd like to have a garden or something that would be nice.
I've been taking some photos but not very many, mostly writing things down lately and mostly thinking a lot about everything.
I've made two books so far, and both I made early. I have urges now to create create create. I guess this means that the stagnant period might be over for a while, though that doesn't yet apply to my new house. I still have boxes and boxes of paper and junk and my film canister of good pot is hiding out somewhere in there.
A part of me is really afraid to go through all of that shit, but moving was part of getting out of the lazy, cramped, filthy life I led on Elm Ave. Charming is was, practical it was not.
I'm worried about finances but happy that I'm being frugal... kind of.

Anyway, no more trips to anywhere until I get it together.

I have another Library job, this time upstairs in the EIC. I watch people and help them print and talk to some of them. Jana still tries to weild her great power from down below in CPR. I was 10 mins late to my 7:30 am shift and she did notice. "I've got people" on my side though (thanks H&R Block).

I go to the sauna almost daily... working up to riding my bike instead of driving there.
I want to go somewhere big and get lost.

Today is really nice... 67 f for the high I believe. I'm learning to be happy about nice days in February, though it still gets my goat a little bit. It's FEBRUARY. I don't like being tricked into thinking it's spring time coming when it's not.

I started reading Flannery O'Connor stories on the internet. I'm slightly concerned that maybe I'm missing little bits of the stories. There are a lot of spelling errors.

People aks a lot of questions up here and I feel like the only answer I can give them is "I don't know." Sometimes the questions are common sense... the kind of things I'm not trained to answer, like "How do I turn on the computer". Common sense stuff that most teach themselves. But other questions are more complicated and I don't know WHO knows the answer.

Well, that was boring.