in lieu of boredom

here begins a documentation of food consumed each day.
i'm not sure about quantities... well, maybe i'll include those too.
i just want to know why my poops look the way they do, and i think this will help.

okay, i'll start with yesterday because that's as far back as i can remember.



slice of white "country bread" with whipped cream cheese. flavor: honey almond.


water and two pints of beer

evening: (post-drunk munchies)

-in no particular order-

water, strawberry poptart, grilled sandwich on two slices of honey wheat bread with spinach, tomato, "christian cheese" from dodson's (it doesn't taste better than the pagan cheese i usually eat), butter on outside, salt, and powdered garlic. also, about 4 sour cream&onion ruffles, two peanut butter twix bars, two double chocolate milano cookies, at least 1/2 cup of roasted lightly salted peanuts. more water.


morning: approximately 1/2 cup of ginger hemp granola, 1 cup of coffee, black.

i'll finish this later.

lunchtime edit:

i went to buy a sandwich before i had to work again. here are the stats.

afternoon: 1/2 sub sandwich from jimmy john's and a 20 oz. water with ice.
in the sandwich:

white bread with approx. 8 (!) thin slices of provolone cheese, brussel sprouts, shredded iceburg lettuce, avacado spread that doesn't really taste like avocados, 6 or so tomato slices. i think that's all.

i'm full. more to come for dinner, assuming i can eat anything else today, probably will just be beer.



i'm going to europe.
i leave 20 june and return 17 august.
since i bought the ticket, my stomach has jumped
up to my throat and my heart fell to my toes.
i'm having miniature anxiety attacks everyday,
and i've started applying for au pair jobs because
i'm so afraid of spending all of my money in one week.
hostels are expensive! train travel is expensive!
eating could be cheap. i'll have to quit smoking for sure.
oh my goodness what was i thinking?

i guess i wasn't thinking.

this is going to be the best trip of my life.

i might die.



sometimes when i am drunk, i think
that everyone else is drunk too.

grand total of hours worked today= 8.

that's alot for part-time.

school is over but i can't tell. i'm ready to get on that
airplane and fly over the sea. oh boy oh boy oh boy.

i think the magic might be peeking again. or peaking? both,

i decided not to hate anybody anymore.
it's hard work.



don't tell me what to do, bitch.

no more finals.
one more critique.
i kind of want to squirm and
bury myself right now.

i saw a bird making gathering wet leaves for a nest.

it helped me realize that life doesn't matter anyhow,
because mother's still eat their young and birds still use
cigarettes and mulch to make their nests
and people still hate eachother and i still
want to eat cheese and i will always hate dumb bitches
who tell me what to do.

there is no more magic, it's all lost now.


have you seen it, well i've seen it too.

my bike and i have a special relationship.
maybe i take it for granted.
tonight = second night in one and a half weeks
that i've been under some kind of influcence and have crashed and
inflicted some form of physical harm to myself.
it only makes me want to ride more.

i've been listening to the devendra banhart "white sessions".
every song he's ever done that was ever creepy in any
way no longer is. i adore him.

i have so much to do.

europe is looming and i have a conflict. it makes me
want to do do do everything i need, but it also makes me want
to get there and be there and inhale and think of nothing else.
i'm on the verge of obsession with leaving, and i've been contemplating
ditching summer school and making it june-august.
i really believe that i can make this happen.

i want to make so much happen.

magic magic magic.


the morning sickness

i'm very nervous today. i wanted to lie in bed this morning, but
the sun was up and i was thirsty. i made a real breakfast this morning,
egg and toast and coffee. i smoked a cigarette before work. this made me more nervous.
the nicotene and coffee always upset my stomach, but i always do it anyway.
at work, someone brought down a platter of bagels, stale fruit, and mini muffins.
there was half a donut and two cookies, too.
i shouldn't have made such a real breakfast.

i couldn't find my prints from the last critique at home, and i don't know whether or not they are in my locker.
i don't have enough images, and the new ones are insufficient.
they aren't good enough, and they won't stand alone without the others.
i keep hoping that they are in my locker with images i don't need, but
i cannot fathom that it could be so.
i've been reading again, short stories. i'm happy about it.
i feel so nervous that i want another cigarette, but i'm afraid that it
will just make things worse.
1:15 and i'll be finished working. then i can find out
whether or not i'm doomed to everlasting shame.
shame from myself, i'm too difficult.
i know it will be alright, but the images are not exact. they need to be
exact, and they are not. and there are not enough. the rest are still at
the processor's.
stop being so lazy. i have so much to do.
i get so anxious.
none of it matters though, i just have to do it.
everything else is more important, more important.

this feels a slightly like the upright citizen's brigade bit
with alfred einstein making audio diaries and scolding himself
not to masturbate anymore. and he crawls under the rug, talks
about mending his dinner coat. oh, i want to watch that
right now!

some people say that a fetus is a parasite living off of
the mother, and it made me wonder whether or not
that's why women get morning sickness.
but if it's a parasite, then there wouldn't be a womb, right?
or a fallopian tube, etc. women would just be men if it were a parasite.
i looked up parasite and it's classified as something that subists on
the host for most of its life. so if it is a parasite, then could you say
it's not really a human yet? it's a different kind of life in the womb,
but maybe that doesn't mean that it isn't real yet.
and it does inflict harm upon its host, a great deal.
but there can be good, too.
maybe we've learned to accept that it's a parasite, maybe we don't
mind because many of us choose to host it.
but i don't really think it is, not in the true sense of the word.

but what are words, anyhow?


it's quiet at work today even though there are many students. just no student workers.
i'm actually pretty happy about that.

there is so much magic.