the morning sickness

i'm very nervous today. i wanted to lie in bed this morning, but
the sun was up and i was thirsty. i made a real breakfast this morning,
egg and toast and coffee. i smoked a cigarette before work. this made me more nervous.
the nicotene and coffee always upset my stomach, but i always do it anyway.
at work, someone brought down a platter of bagels, stale fruit, and mini muffins.
there was half a donut and two cookies, too.
i shouldn't have made such a real breakfast.

i couldn't find my prints from the last critique at home, and i don't know whether or not they are in my locker.
i don't have enough images, and the new ones are insufficient.
they aren't good enough, and they won't stand alone without the others.
i keep hoping that they are in my locker with images i don't need, but
i cannot fathom that it could be so.
i've been reading again, short stories. i'm happy about it.
i feel so nervous that i want another cigarette, but i'm afraid that it
will just make things worse.
1:15 and i'll be finished working. then i can find out
whether or not i'm doomed to everlasting shame.
shame from myself, i'm too difficult.
i know it will be alright, but the images are not exact. they need to be
exact, and they are not. and there are not enough. the rest are still at
the processor's.
stop being so lazy. i have so much to do.
i get so anxious.
none of it matters though, i just have to do it.
everything else is more important, more important.

this feels a slightly like the upright citizen's brigade bit
with alfred einstein making audio diaries and scolding himself
not to masturbate anymore. and he crawls under the rug, talks
about mending his dinner coat. oh, i want to watch that
right now!

some people say that a fetus is a parasite living off of
the mother, and it made me wonder whether or not
that's why women get morning sickness.
but if it's a parasite, then there wouldn't be a womb, right?
or a fallopian tube, etc. women would just be men if it were a parasite.
i looked up parasite and it's classified as something that subists on
the host for most of its life. so if it is a parasite, then could you say
it's not really a human yet? it's a different kind of life in the womb,
but maybe that doesn't mean that it isn't real yet.
and it does inflict harm upon its host, a great deal.
but there can be good, too.
maybe we've learned to accept that it's a parasite, maybe we don't
mind because many of us choose to host it.
but i don't really think it is, not in the true sense of the word.

but what are words, anyhow?

http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/commentary/la-oe-allen1may01,0,3923328.story?coll=la-news-comment-opinions


it's quiet at work today even though there are many students. just no student workers.
i'm actually pretty happy about that.

there is so much magic.