i had a dream that i stabbed myself in the back 6 times.
every time i did it was a sharp pain and i would bleed but the blood was
not dripping or seeping, it just was there.
i stabbed myself like they do in the show rome when they
really want someone to die.
but i wasn't dying, i would just feel weak
and walk around for a bit.
i finally called 911 and they came
and in the dream i told my sister after i called 911
i don't remember anything until i came home.
the 911 call was weird. i was very calm
but had a hard time explaining that i stabbed myself.
i wanted them to know that it wasn't out of desperation
so much as it was me wanting to know what it felt like
to stab myself.
they bandaged me up and i could see my wounds
when i pulled back the gauze. i thought that i must have lost a lot
of blood and wondered where my pain killers were: why didn't the doctors give me any?
the wounds were thin and long, like i was a deep cutter
and not a stabber.
it's really disturbing me to write about this. more than
it was to dream it, i wasn't so afraid in my dream.
havilah came over and i told her about what i did
and asked her not to tell anyone.
she didn't.
she wore a navy dress from the gap, a long one
that i had wanted but couldn't afford.
i pulled the dress on over my bandages in the bathroom
at my mom's house.
my mom told havilah not to shop at the gap anymore because
havilah was on an anti-consumerism rant.
i was at target and tracy our bartender
at the library who i went to art school with
worked there and i bought some stuff exchanged some stuff
with sara.
then tracy asked me if i wanted to change the world photo
that was near the register
but underneath the photo there was a big mess or leftover spaghetti
food so i cleaned that up and looked through a book of photos
and the one that was up was from india and that's the one i kept because it
was the only one that was like the world.
it was on a bridge with different kinds of people doing different kinds of
things and some were looking at the camera. it was very graphic and broken up but still one image.
then i went to the mall and drove like a maniac
and saw women with their children in strollers and
found some jewelry and asked a woman if a ring was hers and she said no.
rick and joe and patrick and sierra and susanna and mike and jen
and pretty much a lot of people who i know were at the beach outside of a store
they were laughing around a campfire and having fun.
patrick told me astory about how mike dyed part of his hair white
and when i saw mike it looked like he had cotton balls burrowed
at the ends of his hair moving outwards so it looked like he'd tipped
his hair in white but it was fluffier
of his hair so i thought that was funny and i started laughing and
laughed so hard that i had to go out to the hall
and laugh
and everyone inside wondered what i was laughing at but i couldn't
tell them because i didn't want to hurt mike's feelings.
some girls walked by in beach towels and looked at me like i was crazy.
i couldn't stop laughing.
3.13.2007
2.23.2007
sea, sex and sun
the days are beautiful and the vitamin d makes such a difference.
i'm feeling better every day and it's good to have a broken car in this weather.
i keep forgetting to write my dreams down... rather avoiding it, but i'm going to get around to it.
my friends in clermont have a really great band that sounds a bit like "why?" they are pretty incredible.
here's their "myspace"
i hope you know how much i love you.
i'm feeling better every day and it's good to have a broken car in this weather.
i keep forgetting to write my dreams down... rather avoiding it, but i'm going to get around to it.
my friends in clermont have a really great band that sounds a bit like "why?" they are pretty incredible.
here's their "myspace"
i hope you know how much i love you.
2.19.2007
like shit
I never felt so sick in all of my life.
Oh I thought I could write about it but oh I was wrong.
ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh woe is me.
Oh I thought I could write about it but oh I was wrong.
ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh woe is me.
2.16.2007
dreamhouse
Had a dream last night that Sara Brooks was around and so was her friend Trevor. I thought he was cute and told her so found out that he was the first boy Sara had sex with and he was from Washington state. I asked Sara why he had a really cool Oklahoma tattoo with a star on Tulsa and she got upset because he stole that tattoo from her. She had one on her upper back just below her neck that looked like a messy woodblock print of a bird and a house.
I worked for a bookstore and for the library and my schedules were getting mixed up. A girl I know from highschool was having a big party and I was invited and I had to rush around to try to get there. It turned out that I didn’t have to work at the library at the same time as the bookstore, I found out on the facebook because Sherman told me in a video message. My mom had some kind of art show party that I was missing or needed to go to.
I got to the bookstore and it was a Christian store. I’d been in once before with my huge art history book and I looked at shelves and the owners and their kids. They played bad Christian music. I was afraid at first that they would think I was stealing the art book but I soon got over it. The place was open but crowded with sub-par books: change your life through Christ shit and children’s adventure novels. There were needlepoints framed on the wall and stuffy pink and faded yellow armchairs. The stereo was by the front door where there was a table and some chairs. The register was in the back, up a bit from the rest of the store on a kind of side platform.
I left in my yellow Volvo. When I came in to actually work there, the owner was a skinny older man with gray hair. He told me that they had some music to play if I wanted to… “megan…” something. Some Christian smooth crap. He didn't train me and when tgey left he and his son were in the car and I asked questions but they were babysitting questions and their kids were going with them. I played my own music and my sister and brother (Seth) came to visit. In the other room (the bookstore was in a church that looked not unlike a house) there was a dormitory barely distinguishable from my viewpoint by the metal beds on the wall. A half naked black man was walking around like he lived there and looked like hed just gotten out of the shower and I was very confused. Havilah had to point out the dormitory to me and explain why he was there. There was a woman too and a social worker who they talked to on the stairs but I never saw the social worker; she was only implied by sound. Seth having disappeared when the black man and his friend appeared, Havilah and I left the bookstore… my shift may or may not have finished but that didn’t matter: it was time to go. At the library we talked to people -but not really there was no actual conversation- at the circulation desk and girls went in and out. I felt claustrophobic. There was some bright green somewhere, and pinks. Probably on someone’s shirt, but that part was important. A girl confronted me with her eyes about listening in on her conversation.
The girl from highschool would call to confirm my rsvp and I’d have to call her to say I would be late. Dad was in the dream somewhere and a house I didn’t know.
I worked for a bookstore and for the library and my schedules were getting mixed up. A girl I know from highschool was having a big party and I was invited and I had to rush around to try to get there. It turned out that I didn’t have to work at the library at the same time as the bookstore, I found out on the facebook because Sherman told me in a video message. My mom had some kind of art show party that I was missing or needed to go to.
I got to the bookstore and it was a Christian store. I’d been in once before with my huge art history book and I looked at shelves and the owners and their kids. They played bad Christian music. I was afraid at first that they would think I was stealing the art book but I soon got over it. The place was open but crowded with sub-par books: change your life through Christ shit and children’s adventure novels. There were needlepoints framed on the wall and stuffy pink and faded yellow armchairs. The stereo was by the front door where there was a table and some chairs. The register was in the back, up a bit from the rest of the store on a kind of side platform.
I left in my yellow Volvo. When I came in to actually work there, the owner was a skinny older man with gray hair. He told me that they had some music to play if I wanted to… “megan…” something. Some Christian smooth crap. He didn't train me and when tgey left he and his son were in the car and I asked questions but they were babysitting questions and their kids were going with them. I played my own music and my sister and brother (Seth) came to visit. In the other room (the bookstore was in a church that looked not unlike a house) there was a dormitory barely distinguishable from my viewpoint by the metal beds on the wall. A half naked black man was walking around like he lived there and looked like hed just gotten out of the shower and I was very confused. Havilah had to point out the dormitory to me and explain why he was there. There was a woman too and a social worker who they talked to on the stairs but I never saw the social worker; she was only implied by sound. Seth having disappeared when the black man and his friend appeared, Havilah and I left the bookstore… my shift may or may not have finished but that didn’t matter: it was time to go. At the library we talked to people -but not really there was no actual conversation- at the circulation desk and girls went in and out. I felt claustrophobic. There was some bright green somewhere, and pinks. Probably on someone’s shirt, but that part was important. A girl confronted me with her eyes about listening in on her conversation.
The girl from highschool would call to confirm my rsvp and I’d have to call her to say I would be late. Dad was in the dream somewhere and a house I didn’t know.
2.12.2007
the moving image
These are the things I watched on the television last night:
JACKIE BROWN
DRACULA ON MASTERPIECE THEATRE
LAW AND ORDER: SVU
A RECAP OF MY DREAM THIS MORNING:
An ex boyfriend became a vampire and started to bite people. He wore a button-down worn in plaid shirt and jeans.
I still had liked him I guess and he wanted to get together against the
wishes of my mother and my friends. We did anyway and he bit me while we were having sex on a couch in a grey almost foggy room (it was more translucent than foggy) but I didn't die or become a vampire (when I woke up I thought that maybe there was some kind of time-lapse... We'd kissed after her bit me which would mean that I would have drunk blood but maybe it took a while until I became a vampire). I was afraid of his biting me but I also liked it. There was a woman who I didn't know who didn't want us to be together either and to whom I kept justifying my actions while telling her that I knew she was right.
Havilah was visiting from somewhere and had a big bag. We were staying in a hostel/grocery store/apartment. There was an ATM in the girls' showers and it kept moving, it was later explained to be a portable ATM machine.
The vampire ex boyfriend kept leaving and coming back. He would go to parties and meet cute girls and bite them. He probably had sex with them too.
We had a party in the grocery store living quarters and Vampire BF came with his friend. VBF kept coming close to me and we would hug or something but I really really didn't want him to bite me again so I was reluctant. There was a floppy bed and lots of people at the party.
I had a feeling of being surveilled by the state, especially at the party.
There was a woman who stood in between Havilah's room and the kitchen near a chair and a Latino man. She was tall and solid with big black hair and a blue suit that she had made herself. She and I spent a lot of time talking about how she made the suit. She was self-concious about how she'd put breast pockets with buttons on the front. I told her that they looked nice. I thought maybe she was in the navy and asked her continuously what organization she belonged to (cause she definitely belonged to something) and she kept telling me but the music was too loud or her voice was too distorted so I missed it every time.
Havilah's huge bag had something in it that I really needed and I kept sorting through her clothing and soap but never found anything.
Mom and Havilah and I went to the mall and were shoe shopping. Someone was watching us there too and we were supposed to meet someone like my brother Seth. The shoe store was small and cramped and Mom found some nice ones. I kept trying shoes on and Havilah was watching in a corner. Lots were mismatched but still tied together. There were no true blacks: only plums and off whites. The white shoes were birkenstocks but looked like heavy flats. They hugged my feet very tightly and had great arch support. Havilah and Mom might have been getting impatient but they weren't showing it too much. The clerk was cold. The shop was surrounded by windows.
The colour pallette for this dream was very subdued: A lot of haze and plums, greys, light browns. Maybe some swamp greens. These were all the colours until I spoke to the woman in uniform. Her suit was bright blue and looked like polyester. Her shirt was very white and slightly wrinkled, her face was kind and very very worried, like someone was watching her or she was botching up a heist, and the kitchen had wooden light brown varnished rounded back chairs and white linoleum floors. And the part with Havilah's bag had some yellows and was a bit more detailed.
JACKIE BROWN
DRACULA ON MASTERPIECE THEATRE
LAW AND ORDER: SVU
A RECAP OF MY DREAM THIS MORNING:
An ex boyfriend became a vampire and started to bite people. He wore a button-down worn in plaid shirt and jeans.
I still had liked him I guess and he wanted to get together against the
wishes of my mother and my friends. We did anyway and he bit me while we were having sex on a couch in a grey almost foggy room (it was more translucent than foggy) but I didn't die or become a vampire (when I woke up I thought that maybe there was some kind of time-lapse... We'd kissed after her bit me which would mean that I would have drunk blood but maybe it took a while until I became a vampire). I was afraid of his biting me but I also liked it. There was a woman who I didn't know who didn't want us to be together either and to whom I kept justifying my actions while telling her that I knew she was right.
Havilah was visiting from somewhere and had a big bag. We were staying in a hostel/grocery store/apartment. There was an ATM in the girls' showers and it kept moving, it was later explained to be a portable ATM machine.
The vampire ex boyfriend kept leaving and coming back. He would go to parties and meet cute girls and bite them. He probably had sex with them too.
We had a party in the grocery store living quarters and Vampire BF came with his friend. VBF kept coming close to me and we would hug or something but I really really didn't want him to bite me again so I was reluctant. There was a floppy bed and lots of people at the party.
I had a feeling of being surveilled by the state, especially at the party.
There was a woman who stood in between Havilah's room and the kitchen near a chair and a Latino man. She was tall and solid with big black hair and a blue suit that she had made herself. She and I spent a lot of time talking about how she made the suit. She was self-concious about how she'd put breast pockets with buttons on the front. I told her that they looked nice. I thought maybe she was in the navy and asked her continuously what organization she belonged to (cause she definitely belonged to something) and she kept telling me but the music was too loud or her voice was too distorted so I missed it every time.
Havilah's huge bag had something in it that I really needed and I kept sorting through her clothing and soap but never found anything.
Mom and Havilah and I went to the mall and were shoe shopping. Someone was watching us there too and we were supposed to meet someone like my brother Seth. The shoe store was small and cramped and Mom found some nice ones. I kept trying shoes on and Havilah was watching in a corner. Lots were mismatched but still tied together. There were no true blacks: only plums and off whites. The white shoes were birkenstocks but looked like heavy flats. They hugged my feet very tightly and had great arch support. Havilah and Mom might have been getting impatient but they weren't showing it too much. The clerk was cold. The shop was surrounded by windows.
The colour pallette for this dream was very subdued: A lot of haze and plums, greys, light browns. Maybe some swamp greens. These were all the colours until I spoke to the woman in uniform. Her suit was bright blue and looked like polyester. Her shirt was very white and slightly wrinkled, her face was kind and very very worried, like someone was watching her or she was botching up a heist, and the kitchen had wooden light brown varnished rounded back chairs and white linoleum floors. And the part with Havilah's bag had some yellows and was a bit more detailed.
2.11.2007
old stuff
i worked on photos today and am thinking of staying all night at the ceramics studio. all semester - one month now- i've been to only one class time. it's pathetic.
i keep having dreams about my old apartment and the bedroom floor. i dream that i still live there or i'm visiting and the landlords have refinished the wooden floors and put carpet beyond the bed. the floors were beautiful: light and well polished. i was angry and anxious; i wasn't supposed to be there.
needless to say i suppose, the dreams are nerve wracking and scattered.
i'm happy to be working with europe images again.
my free time will involvethem for a while i think and that's great just great.
2.10.2007
hey "babay"
got stoned last night, wrote an email to max.
babysat this morning for todd's kids who are adorable. really cute kids, and really well-behaved.
housewives of orange county is the biggest waste of time on television.
maybe something can be gleaned from it... like how f-ed up rich mostly white people are.
i'm hungry veggie pizza delicious. movie stonight havilah's having a party so i'll go there need to do dishes think i'll bake cookies.
i like the new blogger... now it's easy photo posting i guess. i'll do that later though.
captain's courageous was on tcm the other day and i remember watching it when i was about 9 or 10 because grandma made a tape of it for us. spencer tracy is in it and does a really phoney latin american accent. there's mickey rooney too. i used to watch movies of him with judy garland. like the andy hardy movies. i loved those. they were too wholesome and i think i knew it but i like the old fashionedness of them. i never finsihed captain's courageous, and 2001: a space odessey is on now and i've never finished that either. i'm gonna eat this pizza and take a nap. very cold today: overcast. i like it but not being in it.
joke that mom used to tell and which i later saw in pulp fiction, only to even later wonder if she told the joke because she saw it in pulp fiction:
momma tomatoe, pappa tomatoe, and baby tomatoe are walking home. baby tomatoe starts to lag behind. pappa tomatoe walks back to him, stomps on him, and says "KETCHUP!"
hahahahahahahahhahahahhahahhahahhaha
babysat this morning for todd's kids who are adorable. really cute kids, and really well-behaved.
housewives of orange county is the biggest waste of time on television.
maybe something can be gleaned from it... like how f-ed up rich mostly white people are.
i'm hungry veggie pizza delicious. movie stonight havilah's having a party so i'll go there need to do dishes think i'll bake cookies.
i like the new blogger... now it's easy photo posting i guess. i'll do that later though.
captain's courageous was on tcm the other day and i remember watching it when i was about 9 or 10 because grandma made a tape of it for us. spencer tracy is in it and does a really phoney latin american accent. there's mickey rooney too. i used to watch movies of him with judy garland. like the andy hardy movies. i loved those. they were too wholesome and i think i knew it but i like the old fashionedness of them. i never finsihed captain's courageous, and 2001: a space odessey is on now and i've never finished that either. i'm gonna eat this pizza and take a nap. very cold today: overcast. i like it but not being in it.
joke that mom used to tell and which i later saw in pulp fiction, only to even later wonder if she told the joke because she saw it in pulp fiction:
momma tomatoe, pappa tomatoe, and baby tomatoe are walking home. baby tomatoe starts to lag behind. pappa tomatoe walks back to him, stomps on him, and says "KETCHUP!"
hahahahahahahahhahahahhahahhahahhaha
| ||||||||||
 |  sarah capshaw |
| show details | 2:37 am (12 hours ago) | ||||||
Reply to all
ForwardHi. How are you?
Do you want to start writing emails again?
I read some of our old ones the other day.
Some of them were really nice to see again.
How is your internship?
My job is good, I meet a lot of interesting and bizarre people everyday.
I wish you could be here. There was a party tonight at Joe, Yasmeen, Gavin, Ashley and Shereen's house.
It was really fun. I just got very stoned and wanted to dance. But the dancing was kind of boring.
How is France? Is it cold? It's cold here. We had a really nice day the last time we talked, but the next day was really
cold and it's going to stay that way for a while. I rode my bike tonight anyway.
School is not bad, I'm very happy with most of my classes. I'm having a hard time explaining
my artwork and talking about what I want to do with it- what i want to say- but I think I'm
making more progress than I did in the past. I'm starting to write again.
I really miss you Max, and I hope you are okay. Tell me about your job and where you live. I like to think about what it looks like
on yoru end when we talk, especially when you talk to other people at the same time as to me.
I'm listening to Gonzales right now, the piano. It's nice. I always think of Lyon when I hear it.
I watched some clips fom Paris, Je T'aime on YouTube the other day. They have whole sections!
I watched the one with Natalie Portman and the one with the American woman who is alone.
I've been listening to Francoise Hardy and Serge Gainsbourg. Do you often listen to The Moldy Peaches?
I bought The Science of Sleep too. I haven't been able to see the whole thing yet; I've just watched it in sections.
Can you do me a favour? I want to know from you what you remember from this summer. If that's hard for you then don't worry about it, but I want to use some of it for my project and anything you have to say will be really good to use. Anything at all.
Okay, well write soon.
gros bisous,
sarah
--
sarah capshaw
Do you want to start writing emails again?
I read some of our old ones the other day.
Some of them were really nice to see again.
How is your internship?
My job is good, I meet a lot of interesting and bizarre people everyday.
I wish you could be here. There was a party tonight at Joe, Yasmeen, Gavin, Ashley and Shereen's house.
It was really fun. I just got very stoned and wanted to dance. But the dancing was kind of boring.
How is France? Is it cold? It's cold here. We had a really nice day the last time we talked, but the next day was really
cold and it's going to stay that way for a while. I rode my bike tonight anyway.
School is not bad, I'm very happy with most of my classes. I'm having a hard time explaining
my artwork and talking about what I want to do with it- what i want to say- but I think I'm
making more progress than I did in the past. I'm starting to write again.
I really miss you Max, and I hope you are okay. Tell me about your job and where you live. I like to think about what it looks like
on yoru end when we talk, especially when you talk to other people at the same time as to me.
I'm listening to Gonzales right now, the piano. It's nice. I always think of Lyon when I hear it.
I watched some clips fom Paris, Je T'aime on YouTube the other day. They have whole sections!
I watched the one with Natalie Portman and the one with the American woman who is alone.
I've been listening to Francoise Hardy and Serge Gainsbourg. Do you often listen to The Moldy Peaches?
I bought The Science of Sleep too. I haven't been able to see the whole thing yet; I've just watched it in sections.
Can you do me a favour? I want to know from you what you remember from this summer. If that's hard for you then don't worry about it, but I want to use some of it for my project and anything you have to say will be really good to use. Anything at all.
Okay, well write soon.
gros bisous,
sarah
--
sarah capshaw
2.06.2007
i, um, i mean yeah
So I don't do this very often lately but I think it's time to again
or at least to organize or something.
New house in a duplex next to Matt and that's really nice.
I thought a lot last night about how to make the backyard look nice. There is a big backyard, it's big and long and I'd like to have a garden or something that would be nice.
I've been taking some photos but not very many, mostly writing things down lately and mostly thinking a lot about everything.
I've made two books so far, and both I made early. I have urges now to create create create. I guess this means that the stagnant period might be over for a while, though that doesn't yet apply to my new house. I still have boxes and boxes of paper and junk and my film canister of good pot is hiding out somewhere in there.
A part of me is really afraid to go through all of that shit, but moving was part of getting out of the lazy, cramped, filthy life I led on Elm Ave. Charming is was, practical it was not.
I'm worried about finances but happy that I'm being frugal... kind of.
Anyway, no more trips to anywhere until I get it together.
I have another Library job, this time upstairs in the EIC. I watch people and help them print and talk to some of them. Jana still tries to weild her great power from down below in CPR. I was 10 mins late to my 7:30 am shift and she did notice. "I've got people" on my side though (thanks H&R Block).
I go to the sauna almost daily... working up to riding my bike instead of driving there.
I want to go somewhere big and get lost.
Today is really nice... 67 f for the high I believe. I'm learning to be happy about nice days in February, though it still gets my goat a little bit. It's FEBRUARY. I don't like being tricked into thinking it's spring time coming when it's not.
I started reading Flannery O'Connor stories on the internet. I'm slightly concerned that maybe I'm missing little bits of the stories. There are a lot of spelling errors.
People aks a lot of questions up here and I feel like the only answer I can give them is "I don't know." Sometimes the questions are common sense... the kind of things I'm not trained to answer, like "How do I turn on the computer". Common sense stuff that most teach themselves. But other questions are more complicated and I don't know WHO knows the answer.
Well, that was boring.
or at least to organize or something.
New house in a duplex next to Matt and that's really nice.
I thought a lot last night about how to make the backyard look nice. There is a big backyard, it's big and long and I'd like to have a garden or something that would be nice.
I've been taking some photos but not very many, mostly writing things down lately and mostly thinking a lot about everything.
I've made two books so far, and both I made early. I have urges now to create create create. I guess this means that the stagnant period might be over for a while, though that doesn't yet apply to my new house. I still have boxes and boxes of paper and junk and my film canister of good pot is hiding out somewhere in there.
A part of me is really afraid to go through all of that shit, but moving was part of getting out of the lazy, cramped, filthy life I led on Elm Ave. Charming is was, practical it was not.
I'm worried about finances but happy that I'm being frugal... kind of.
Anyway, no more trips to anywhere until I get it together.
I have another Library job, this time upstairs in the EIC. I watch people and help them print and talk to some of them. Jana still tries to weild her great power from down below in CPR. I was 10 mins late to my 7:30 am shift and she did notice. "I've got people" on my side though (thanks H&R Block).
I go to the sauna almost daily... working up to riding my bike instead of driving there.
I want to go somewhere big and get lost.
Today is really nice... 67 f for the high I believe. I'm learning to be happy about nice days in February, though it still gets my goat a little bit. It's FEBRUARY. I don't like being tricked into thinking it's spring time coming when it's not.
I started reading Flannery O'Connor stories on the internet. I'm slightly concerned that maybe I'm missing little bits of the stories. There are a lot of spelling errors.
People aks a lot of questions up here and I feel like the only answer I can give them is "I don't know." Sometimes the questions are common sense... the kind of things I'm not trained to answer, like "How do I turn on the computer". Common sense stuff that most teach themselves. But other questions are more complicated and I don't know WHO knows the answer.
Well, that was boring.
11.10.2006
two words thank you
two words
No Explanations.
1. Yourself: kinda hungry
2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend: far away
3. Your hair: very short
4. Your mother: very wonderful
5. Your Father: kinda crazy
6. Your Favorite Item: never existed
7. Your dream last night: has disappeared
8. Your Favorite drink: always delicious
9. Your Dream Car: doesn't exist
10. The room you are in: cold, messy
11. Your Ex: pretty, tall
12. Your fear: utter failure
13. What you want to be in 10 years: utterly successful
14. Who you hung out with last night: the best
15. What You're Not: very decisive
16. Muffins: yes please
17: One of Your Wish List Items: plane ticket
18: Time: is fabricated
19. The Last Thing You Did: ear scratch
20. What You Are Wearing: shirt shorts
21. Your Favorite Weather: is perfect
22. Your Favorite Book: is delightful
23. The Last Thing You Ate: french fry
24. Your Life: weird now
25. Your Mood: don't care
26. Your best friend: cares sometimes
27. What are you thinking about right now: my car
28. Your car: how weird
29. What are you doing at the moment: looking around
30. Your summer: magical unicorns
31. Your relationship status: very confusing
32. What is on your TV: remote cds
33. What is the weather like: bit chilly
34. When is the last time you laughed: last evening
35. Perfect Day: snowy trains
36. Where are you? powerful nation
No Explanations.
1. Yourself: kinda hungry
2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend: far away
3. Your hair: very short
4. Your mother: very wonderful
5. Your Father: kinda crazy
6. Your Favorite Item: never existed
7. Your dream last night: has disappeared
8. Your Favorite drink: always delicious
9. Your Dream Car: doesn't exist
10. The room you are in: cold, messy
11. Your Ex: pretty, tall
12. Your fear: utter failure
13. What you want to be in 10 years: utterly successful
14. Who you hung out with last night: the best
15. What You're Not: very decisive
16. Muffins: yes please
17: One of Your Wish List Items: plane ticket
18: Time: is fabricated
19. The Last Thing You Did: ear scratch
20. What You Are Wearing: shirt shorts
21. Your Favorite Weather: is perfect
22. Your Favorite Book: is delightful
23. The Last Thing You Ate: french fry
24. Your Life: weird now
25. Your Mood: don't care
26. Your best friend: cares sometimes
27. What are you thinking about right now: my car
28. Your car: how weird
29. What are you doing at the moment: looking around
30. Your summer: magical unicorns
31. Your relationship status: very confusing
32. What is on your TV: remote cds
33. What is the weather like: bit chilly
34. When is the last time you laughed: last evening
35. Perfect Day: snowy trains
36. Where are you? powerful nation
11.01.2006
recap, new cap
I don't really know where to start ever.
Lately most people I know, myself included, are in a rut. A big fat apathetic one.
I don't know if it's the weather changing or our age or Oklahoma or what or why.
The cold weather makes me want to bake lots of pumpkin pie.
I'm smoking fewer cigarettes, very few now. Out of the ordinary for wintertime but I'm happy about it.
The Blow and Jenny Lewis and Will Scheff were all wonderful in concert. They all were magical. Will Scheff only played about 4 songs and seemed frustrated when he left the stage. This was justified as most people were talking during his set.
During Jenny Lewis and her stupendous band's set, the trademark (i guess it's mandatory at every great musical concert) idiots who don't give a shit about the music itself, who rather care more about people knowing that they know the music... they were right behind us. Easily remedied though: we moved up, though they sang at the top of their voices to Jenny Lewis's solo "Rabbit Fur Coat". As loudly as they could. They ruined that one.
Oh well.
Halloween was just mediocre this year, I won't elaborate but it was. Mediocre is sometimes worse than awful.
I babysat on Saturday and took the kids to a soccer game. Olivia and Jackson are 5 and played. They go to one of those mega churches that has a parking lots big enough for 100 small houses but is instead full of expensive cars owned by white people. Only white people. One that probably has it's own spa and McDonald's. This one does have Starbucks actually.
So, not surprisingly, they also have an enormous soccer area with multiple playing fields and multiple teams.
They stopped the game (really kids playing with the ball and eachother) at halftime for prayer time and bible study.
For five year olds who don't understand and spent most of it picking at the grass or each other.
And the kind mother next to us scolded her son for not paying more attention to the game which was being played without goalies or rules.
Poor kid. He'll probably end up just like his tight-ass parents.
Anyhow,
Lately most people I know, myself included, are in a rut. A big fat apathetic one.
I don't know if it's the weather changing or our age or Oklahoma or what or why.
The cold weather makes me want to bake lots of pumpkin pie.
I'm smoking fewer cigarettes, very few now. Out of the ordinary for wintertime but I'm happy about it.
The Blow and Jenny Lewis and Will Scheff were all wonderful in concert. They all were magical. Will Scheff only played about 4 songs and seemed frustrated when he left the stage. This was justified as most people were talking during his set.
During Jenny Lewis and her stupendous band's set, the trademark (i guess it's mandatory at every great musical concert) idiots who don't give a shit about the music itself, who rather care more about people knowing that they know the music... they were right behind us. Easily remedied though: we moved up, though they sang at the top of their voices to Jenny Lewis's solo "Rabbit Fur Coat". As loudly as they could. They ruined that one.
Oh well.
Halloween was just mediocre this year, I won't elaborate but it was. Mediocre is sometimes worse than awful.
I babysat on Saturday and took the kids to a soccer game. Olivia and Jackson are 5 and played. They go to one of those mega churches that has a parking lots big enough for 100 small houses but is instead full of expensive cars owned by white people. Only white people. One that probably has it's own spa and McDonald's. This one does have Starbucks actually.
So, not surprisingly, they also have an enormous soccer area with multiple playing fields and multiple teams.
They stopped the game (really kids playing with the ball and eachother) at halftime for prayer time and bible study.
For five year olds who don't understand and spent most of it picking at the grass or each other.
And the kind mother next to us scolded her son for not paying more attention to the game which was being played without goalies or rules.
Poor kid. He'll probably end up just like his tight-ass parents.
Anyhow,
10.12.2006
i don't care.
i have 22 years.
thakns yuo.
nyc was fun even though the moma was closed
people are so crazy all the time
cab driver said "i'm american, i don't care, i do what i want, i don't care."
thakns yuo.
nyc was fun even though the moma was closed
people are so crazy all the time
cab driver said "i'm american, i don't care, i do what i want, i don't care."
9.22.2006
jello
i'm still confused.
i need a shower, i got to shower in gelatin last night.
we sized our paper which means we got it ready for nonsilver printing
and it was so messy.
i also printed all morning and i still smell like chemicals.
i don't mind that much though.
i'm listening to this american life and it's one about
things without names. before they have names.
i need something like travel.
i need a shower, i got to shower in gelatin last night.
we sized our paper which means we got it ready for nonsilver printing
and it was so messy.
i also printed all morning and i still smell like chemicals.
i don't mind that much though.
i'm listening to this american life and it's one about
things without names. before they have names.
i need something like travel.
9.13.2006
i'm confused
it's cold at work.
there is alot going on
and i don't know.
i just don't know.
i'm going to buy some pants and shirts after work.
maybe some shoes too.
i miss havilah a whole lot.
i want to make something magical happen.
there is alot going on
and i don't know.
i just don't know.
i'm going to buy some pants and shirts after work.
maybe some shoes too.
i miss havilah a whole lot.
i want to make something magical happen.
8.20.2006
1) Do you talk in your sleep? yes.
2.) Ocean or pool? ocean.
3) What's your favorite song at the moment? gemini (birthday song) from why? and anyone else but you from the moldy peaches
4) Current crush? maxime
5.) what's your favorite color(s)? green
6) If you won the lottery, what would you do first? collect my check.
7) Ever met anyone famous? yes.
8) Do you feel that you've had a truly successful life? i don't know.
9) Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? i don't know.
10) Ricki Lake or Oprah Winfrey? none.
11) Basketball or Football? none.
12) How long do your showers last? not very long.
13) Do you know how to drive stick? yes.
14) Cake or ice cream? ice cream.
15) Are you self-conscious? sometimes.
16) Have you ever given money to a bum? i've given money to people who ask for it. but not all of them.
17) Where do you wish you were? les cerqueux sous-passavant with maxime.
18) Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? i don't know.
19) Last gift you received? max bought my ticket to see le science des reves.
20) Last sport you played? i don't know.
21) Things you spend a lot of money on? clothing and shoes and travel.
22) Last wedding attended? clint and nicole
23) Most hated food(s)? black licorice.
24) Can you sing? yes.
25) Last person who called you? i don't know.
26) Whats your least favorite chore? dishes maybe or dusting. dusting.
27) Favorite Drink(s)? demi peche/ mojito/ water/ wine
29) Are you a vegetarian? not anymore.
30) Do you believe in Heaven? no.
31) What jewelry do you wear 24/7? none "24/7"
32) Are you eating? no.
33) Do you eat the stems of broccoli? no.
34) Do you wear makeup? sometimes.
35) Would you ever have plastic surgery? if i were severely injured.
36)What do you wear to bed? it depends on the season.
37) Can you roll your tongue? yes.
38) What kind of shoes? all kinds.
39) What is your Hair color? blonde.
40) Future child's name? i don't know yet.
41) Do you snore? sometimes.
42) If you could go anywhere in the world, where would it be? somewhere magical.
43) Do you sleep with stuffed animals? no.
45) Gold or silver? silver.
46) Hamburger or hot dog? neither.
47) If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life what would it be? french cheese on bread.
48) City, beach or country? all three.
49) What was the last thing you touched?the keyboard.
50) Where did you eat last? the library.
51) When's the last time you cried? yesterday.
52) Do you read blogs? yes.
53) Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex? this is stupid.
54) Ever been involved with the police? i don't know.
55) What's your favorite body part on the opposite sex? hands maybe other parts too.
2.) Ocean or pool? ocean.
3) What's your favorite song at the moment? gemini (birthday song) from why? and anyone else but you from the moldy peaches
4) Current crush? maxime
5.) what's your favorite color(s)? green
6) If you won the lottery, what would you do first? collect my check.
7) Ever met anyone famous? yes.
8) Do you feel that you've had a truly successful life? i don't know.
9) Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? i don't know.
10) Ricki Lake or Oprah Winfrey? none.
11) Basketball or Football? none.
12) How long do your showers last? not very long.
13) Do you know how to drive stick? yes.
14) Cake or ice cream? ice cream.
15) Are you self-conscious? sometimes.
16) Have you ever given money to a bum? i've given money to people who ask for it. but not all of them.
17) Where do you wish you were? les cerqueux sous-passavant with maxime.
18) Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? i don't know.
19) Last gift you received? max bought my ticket to see le science des reves.
20) Last sport you played? i don't know.
21) Things you spend a lot of money on? clothing and shoes and travel.
22) Last wedding attended? clint and nicole
23) Most hated food(s)? black licorice.
24) Can you sing? yes.
25) Last person who called you? i don't know.
26) Whats your least favorite chore? dishes maybe or dusting. dusting.
27) Favorite Drink(s)? demi peche/ mojito/ water/ wine
29) Are you a vegetarian? not anymore.
30) Do you believe in Heaven? no.
31) What jewelry do you wear 24/7? none "24/7"
32) Are you eating? no.
33) Do you eat the stems of broccoli? no.
34) Do you wear makeup? sometimes.
35) Would you ever have plastic surgery? if i were severely injured.
36)What do you wear to bed? it depends on the season.
37) Can you roll your tongue? yes.
38) What kind of shoes? all kinds.
39) What is your Hair color? blonde.
40) Future child's name? i don't know yet.
41) Do you snore? sometimes.
42) If you could go anywhere in the world, where would it be? somewhere magical.
43) Do you sleep with stuffed animals? no.
45) Gold or silver? silver.
46) Hamburger or hot dog? neither.
47) If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life what would it be? french cheese on bread.
48) City, beach or country? all three.
49) What was the last thing you touched?the keyboard.
50) Where did you eat last? the library.
51) When's the last time you cried? yesterday.
52) Do you read blogs? yes.
53) Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex? this is stupid.
54) Ever been involved with the police? i don't know.
55) What's your favorite body part on the opposite sex? hands maybe other parts too.
7.26.2006
berlin
is amazing.
amazing. i want to stay here forever.
that's all.
and it's fucking hot.
okay, that's all.
amazing. i want to stay here forever.
that's all.
and it's fucking hot.
okay, that's all.
7.13.2006
oh my goodness gracious
kelly and i are in marseilles.
i am in love, but not with kelly.
and not with france.
okay, maybe both kind of.
the beach here has sand that is really rocks.
rocks. really.
the ocean is light blue and warm at night. well, not warm but comfortable.
the hostel is fucking hot at night and i sweat and sweat. i will have to take three showers a day.
french improving, it's strange that i actually understand people when they speak to me.
in clermont before kelly came i went to a mountain lake, saw three world cup france matches (france lost the last one-- domage). i am in the home city of zinadine zidane, the most famous football player. or one of the most famous.
kelly and i are trying to find an h and m. we do not have a city map.
i also climbed a mountain in clermont, a volcanic one. or it was next to a volcanic one, i don't remember.
i have eaten A LOT of cheese. more than ever before i think.
i don't regret it.
not so much wine as beer, and i have to quit smoking.
french people are still weird, even though i understand them.
i want to smoke hashish.
i went to le-puy en velay and saw the oldest cathedral i have ever seen in my life.
10th century. it's a small town and everyone knows eachother.
the french people think it's boring, i think it's old and cobbled and beautiful.
the country side is fantastic and green and also beautiful.
the french people think it's no big deal.
we ate at a fancy french restaurant and the mayor was there too and
i ate rabbit.
it was delicious. and bony. i didn't like the bones.
oh that was probably the best meal i will eat in years.
hopefully not though.
okay, i have more but nothing else i have to find a city map.
ohhhh oh oh oh yeah i cut off my hair. i did it. and now it is trés frais.
i love you.
i am in love, but not with kelly.
and not with france.
okay, maybe both kind of.
the beach here has sand that is really rocks.
rocks. really.
the ocean is light blue and warm at night. well, not warm but comfortable.
the hostel is fucking hot at night and i sweat and sweat. i will have to take three showers a day.
french improving, it's strange that i actually understand people when they speak to me.
in clermont before kelly came i went to a mountain lake, saw three world cup france matches (france lost the last one-- domage). i am in the home city of zinadine zidane, the most famous football player. or one of the most famous.
kelly and i are trying to find an h and m. we do not have a city map.
i also climbed a mountain in clermont, a volcanic one. or it was next to a volcanic one, i don't remember.
i have eaten A LOT of cheese. more than ever before i think.
i don't regret it.
not so much wine as beer, and i have to quit smoking.
french people are still weird, even though i understand them.
i want to smoke hashish.
i went to le-puy en velay and saw the oldest cathedral i have ever seen in my life.
10th century. it's a small town and everyone knows eachother.
the french people think it's boring, i think it's old and cobbled and beautiful.
the country side is fantastic and green and also beautiful.
the french people think it's no big deal.
we ate at a fancy french restaurant and the mayor was there too and
i ate rabbit.
it was delicious. and bony. i didn't like the bones.
oh that was probably the best meal i will eat in years.
hopefully not though.
okay, i have more but nothing else i have to find a city map.
ohhhh oh oh oh yeah i cut off my hair. i did it. and now it is trés frais.
i love you.
6.27.2006
la poste, il est ou?
i have to find a box to send things home.
i am leaving tomorrow for angers, and then going
to les cerqueux.
problem: ted seth jacobs hasn't written back and i don't know
if i should book a hotel in angers or not.
my train leaves really early in the morning, too... 7:30! ahhhhhh.
i suppose that if all else fails i can book a train to clermont and be
there within a few hours. no problem, not at all.
paris isn't bad.
went to centre pompidou and saw great things.
i also like the luxembourg gardens. i'm not really
crazy about being in the big city anymore.
i want to go to castles to drink cheese and eat wine.
okay, i have to go find a box and a baguette. i am so french.
i am leaving tomorrow for angers, and then going
to les cerqueux.
problem: ted seth jacobs hasn't written back and i don't know
if i should book a hotel in angers or not.
my train leaves really early in the morning, too... 7:30! ahhhhhh.
i suppose that if all else fails i can book a train to clermont and be
there within a few hours. no problem, not at all.
paris isn't bad.
went to centre pompidou and saw great things.
i also like the luxembourg gardens. i'm not really
crazy about being in the big city anymore.
i want to go to castles to drink cheese and eat wine.
okay, i have to go find a box and a baguette. i am so french.
6.26.2006
oh shit
in paris and i hate the keyboards.
i am renting a room from a french guy
who stays at his girlfriend's.
it is a charming place and his roomate is nice.
only problem is the landlady lives next door and
wouldn't be happy if she knew i was there, so i am
like an open-air refugee.
london was fun and ridiculous and i really like the parks
and the museu,s.
it doesnt feel like summer time and it's cloudy and rainy
and i'm hungry and nervous. i don't know why i'm so nervous.
i have to go to the postoffice today and get a box. maybe i'll do it tomorrow.
i feel disconnected... i should really eat some food.
a bientot!
i am renting a room from a french guy
who stays at his girlfriend's.
it is a charming place and his roomate is nice.
only problem is the landlady lives next door and
wouldn't be happy if she knew i was there, so i am
like an open-air refugee.
london was fun and ridiculous and i really like the parks
and the museu,s.
it doesnt feel like summer time and it's cloudy and rainy
and i'm hungry and nervous. i don't know why i'm so nervous.
i have to go to the postoffice today and get a box. maybe i'll do it tomorrow.
i feel disconnected... i should really eat some food.
a bientot!
6.22.2006
I DON'T CARE!
i am in london. this is it. i am drinking beer that tastes like beer at home but i can't put my finger on it so i don't care.i love you. i lourve you. i will be in france in three days. i went to the tate today and to two bars and now i am drunk. if you walk around all day you will think you are hungry and you will eat but your appetite will be minor and really what you will want is beer (i really mean 'i' instead of 'we' but i don't care).i love you, post is coming soon for some of you. there is a kandinsky exhibit opening the 22nd (i almost wrote 33nd but that doesn't esxist in our calendar so i erased it) at the TATE so i will go back and the good people (almost wrote goose) will get postcards. i saw 'un chien andaulsia' for the first time today and some stupid man ray film that had pretty imagery but stupid french music that was like amelie but really i liked it even thought it was trite and stupid and man ray was an a-hole but so were bunuel and dali i guess. i had to go all the way to london to see it (both but i really mean 'un chien...'). i liked it but i think art critisism is shit shit shit so i wont comment, I REFUSE!we are going to brighton tomorrow. i like that. i like london more than paris because paris smells like dog shit. and london has tons of parks that are prety. i am sad that i don't have my dig. camera. hopefully in france i will but today was so good and every moment i wanted a photo. tomorrow i will take my film i think. i am so excited about everywhere else. iloveyou (only some of you you know who you are i won't make a list.)sarahlienaucapshaw.
that was yesterday. now it's today.
national gallery and trafalgar square and buckingham palace
i went all over town.
now i'm at the internet cafe and all alone.
i like it.
it's cold here but apparently for the locals that's not cold.
it might rain tomorrow.
i saw the van eyck painting from my art history class and
it was so magical. so was the man in the red turban. they were
both so small. i ate a pasty (they say pasty like we saw pasta and pasta like we saw pastor). i can't understand anyone even though they all speak english.
met a cute french boy in the park. his name was steven and i showed him how to use my ikon because he has a similar kodak that was his grandfather's. he's on a grand english vacation like i am on a grand european tour.
i miss everyone. the beer is good and not too much, but the exchange is $1.80 to every £1. yowza.
anyhooo. i miss i love and it's all happening happening happening.
i want my digital camera too.
that was yesterday. now it's today.
national gallery and trafalgar square and buckingham palace
i went all over town.
now i'm at the internet cafe and all alone.
i like it.
it's cold here but apparently for the locals that's not cold.
it might rain tomorrow.
i saw the van eyck painting from my art history class and
it was so magical. so was the man in the red turban. they were
both so small. i ate a pasty (they say pasty like we saw pasta and pasta like we saw pastor). i can't understand anyone even though they all speak english.
met a cute french boy in the park. his name was steven and i showed him how to use my ikon because he has a similar kodak that was his grandfather's. he's on a grand english vacation like i am on a grand european tour.
i miss everyone. the beer is good and not too much, but the exchange is $1.80 to every £1. yowza.
anyhooo. i miss i love and it's all happening happening happening.
i want my digital camera too.
6.06.2006
oh shit!
so that feat failed.
europe in two weeks.
it's all happening, including the anxiety attacks.
i feel like i work all the time, even though i know it's not true.
oh i am freaking out.
europe in two weeks.
it's all happening, including the anxiety attacks.
i feel like i work all the time, even though i know it's not true.
oh i am freaking out.
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