hey "babay"

got stoned last night, wrote an email to max.
babysat this morning for todd's kids who are adorable. really cute kids, and really well-behaved.
housewives of orange county is the biggest waste of time on television.
maybe something can be gleaned from it... like how f-ed up rich mostly white people are.
i'm hungry veggie pizza delicious. movie stonight havilah's having a party so i'll go there need to do dishes think i'll bake cookies.
i like the new blogger... now it's easy photo posting i guess. i'll do that later though.

captain's courageous was on tcm the other day and i remember watching it when i was about 9 or 10 because grandma made a tape of it for us. spencer tracy is in it and does a really phoney latin american accent. there's mickey rooney too. i used to watch movies of him with judy garland. like the andy hardy movies. i loved those. they were too wholesome and i think i knew it but i like the old fashionedness of them. i never finsihed captain's courageous, and 2001: a space odessey is on now and i've never finished that either. i'm gonna eat this pizza and take a nap. very cold today: overcast. i like it but not being in it.

joke that mom used to tell and which i later saw in pulp fiction, only to even later wonder if she told the joke because she saw it in pulp fiction:

momma tomatoe, pappa tomatoe, and baby tomatoe are walking home. baby tomatoe starts to lag behind. pappa tomatoe walks back to him, stomps on him, and says "KETCHUP!"

hahahahahahahahhahahahhahahhahahhaha

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		sarah capshaw	to Maxime	show details	2:37 am (12 hours ago)

Hi. How are you?
Do you want to start writing emails again?
I read some of our old ones the other day.
Some of them were really nice to see again.

How is your internship?
My job is good, I meet a lot of interesting and bizarre people everyday.
I wish you could be here. There was a party tonight at Joe, Yasmeen, Gavin, Ashley and Shereen's house.
It was really fun. I just got very stoned and wanted to dance. But the dancing was kind of boring.

How is France? Is it cold? It's cold here. We had a really nice day the last time we talked, but the next day was really
cold and it's going to stay that way for a while. I rode my bike tonight anyway.

School is not bad, I'm very happy with most of my classes. I'm having a hard time explaining
my artwork and talking about what I want to do with it- what i want to say- but I think I'm
making more progress than I did in the past. I'm starting to write again.

I really miss you Max, and I hope you are okay. Tell me about your job and where you live. I like to think about what it looks like
on yoru end when we talk, especially when you talk to other people at the same time as to me.

I'm listening to Gonzales right now, the piano. It's nice. I always think of Lyon when I hear it.
I watched some clips fom Paris, Je T'aime on YouTube the other day. They have whole sections!
I watched the one with Natalie Portman and the one with the American woman who is alone.
I've been listening to Francoise Hardy and Serge Gainsbourg. Do you often listen to The Moldy Peaches?
I bought The Science of Sleep too. I haven't been able to see the whole thing yet; I've just watched it in sections.


Can you do me a favour? I want to know from you what you remember from this summer. If that's hard for you then don't worry about it, but I want to use some of it for my project and anything you have to say will be really good to use. Anything at all.

Okay, well write soon.

gros bisous,

sarah

--
sarah capshaw

i, um, i mean yeah

So I don't do this very often lately but I think it's time to again
or at least to organize or something.
New house in a duplex next to Matt and that's really nice.
I thought a lot last night about how to make the backyard look nice. There is a big backyard, it's big and long and I'd like to have a garden or something that would be nice.
I've been taking some photos but not very many, mostly writing things down lately and mostly thinking a lot about everything.
I've made two books so far, and both I made early. I have urges now to create create create. I guess this means that the stagnant period might be over for a while, though that doesn't yet apply to my new house. I still have boxes and boxes of paper and junk and my film canister of good pot is hiding out somewhere in there.
A part of me is really afraid to go through all of that shit, but moving was part of getting out of the lazy, cramped, filthy life I led on Elm Ave. Charming is was, practical it was not.
I'm worried about finances but happy that I'm being frugal... kind of.

Anyway, no more trips to anywhere until I get it together.

I have another Library job, this time upstairs in the EIC. I watch people and help them print and talk to some of them. Jana still tries to weild her great power from down below in CPR. I was 10 mins late to my 7:30 am shift and she did notice. "I've got people" on my side though (thanks H&R Block).

I go to the sauna almost daily... working up to riding my bike instead of driving there.
I want to go somewhere big and get lost.

Today is really nice... 67 f for the high I believe. I'm learning to be happy about nice days in February, though it still gets my goat a little bit. It's FEBRUARY. I don't like being tricked into thinking it's spring time coming when it's not.

I started reading Flannery O'Connor stories on the internet. I'm slightly concerned that maybe I'm missing little bits of the stories. There are a lot of spelling errors.

People aks a lot of questions up here and I feel like the only answer I can give them is "I don't know." Sometimes the questions are common sense... the kind of things I'm not trained to answer, like "How do I turn on the computer". Common sense stuff that most teach themselves. But other questions are more complicated and I don't know WHO knows the answer.

Well, that was boring.

two words thank you

two words
No Explanations.


1. Yourself: kinda hungry

2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend: far away

3. Your hair: very short

4. Your mother: very wonderful

5. Your Father: kinda crazy

6. Your Favorite Item: never existed

7. Your dream last night: has disappeared

8. Your Favorite drink: always delicious

9. Your Dream Car: doesn't exist

10. The room you are in: cold, messy

11. Your Ex: pretty, tall

12. Your fear: utter failure

13. What you want to be in 10 years: utterly successful

14. Who you hung out with last night: the best

15. What You're Not: very decisive

16. Muffins: yes please

17: One of Your Wish List Items: plane ticket

18: Time: is fabricated

19. The Last Thing You Did: ear scratch

20. What You Are Wearing: shirt shorts

21. Your Favorite Weather: is perfect

22. Your Favorite Book: is delightful

23. The Last Thing You Ate: french fry

24. Your Life: weird now

25. Your Mood: don't care

26. Your best friend: cares sometimes

27. What are you thinking about right now: my car

28. Your car: how weird

29. What are you doing at the moment: looking around

30. Your summer: magical unicorns

31. Your relationship status: very confusing

32. What is on your TV: remote cds

33. What is the weather like: bit chilly

34. When is the last time you laughed: last evening

35. Perfect Day: snowy trains

36. Where are you? powerful nation

recap, new cap

I don't really know where to start ever.
Lately most people I know, myself included, are in a rut. A big fat apathetic one.
I don't know if it's the weather changing or our age or Oklahoma or what or why.
The cold weather makes me want to bake lots of pumpkin pie.
I'm smoking fewer cigarettes, very few now. Out of the ordinary for wintertime but I'm happy about it.

The Blow and Jenny Lewis and Will Scheff were all wonderful in concert. They all were magical. Will Scheff only played about 4 songs and seemed frustrated when he left the stage. This was justified as most people were talking during his set.
During Jenny Lewis and her stupendous band's set, the trademark (i guess it's mandatory at every great musical concert) idiots who don't give a shit about the music itself, who rather care more about people knowing that they know the music... they were right behind us. Easily remedied though: we moved up, though they sang at the top of their voices to Jenny Lewis's solo "Rabbit Fur Coat". As loudly as they could. They ruined that one.

Oh well.

Halloween was just mediocre this year, I won't elaborate but it was. Mediocre is sometimes worse than awful.

I babysat on Saturday and took the kids to a soccer game. Olivia and Jackson are 5 and played. They go to one of those mega churches that has a parking lots big enough for 100 small houses but is instead full of expensive cars owned by white people. Only white people. One that probably has it's own spa and McDonald's. This one does have Starbucks actually.
So, not surprisingly, they also have an enormous soccer area with multiple playing fields and multiple teams.
They stopped the game (really kids playing with the ball and eachother) at halftime for prayer time and bible study.
For five year olds who don't understand and spent most of it picking at the grass or each other.
And the kind mother next to us scolded her son for not paying more attention to the game which was being played without goalies or rules.
Poor kid. He'll probably end up just like his tight-ass parents.

Anyhow,

i don't care.

i have 22 years.
thakns yuo.

nyc was fun even though the moma was closed
people are so crazy all the time

cab driver said "i'm american, i don't care, i do what i want, i don't care."

jello

i'm still confused.

i need a shower, i got to shower in gelatin last night.
we sized our paper which means we got it ready for nonsilver printing
and it was so messy.
i also printed all morning and i still smell like chemicals.

i don't mind that much though.

i'm listening to this american life and it's one about
things without names. before they have names.

i need something like travel.

i'm confused

it's cold at work.
there is alot going on
and i don't know.

i just don't know.

i'm going to buy some pants and shirts after work.
maybe some shoes too.

i miss havilah a whole lot.

i want to make something magical happen.

1) Do you talk in your sleep? yes.

2.) Ocean or pool? ocean.

3) What's your favorite song at the moment? gemini (birthday song) from why? and anyone else but you from the moldy peaches

4) Current crush? maxime

5.) what's your favorite color(s)? green

6) If you won the lottery, what would you do first? collect my check.

7) Ever met anyone famous? yes.

8) Do you feel that you've had a truly successful life? i don't know.

9) Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? i don't know.

10) Ricki Lake or Oprah Winfrey? none.

11) Basketball or Football? none.

12) How long do your showers last? not very long.

13) Do you know how to drive stick? yes.

14) Cake or ice cream? ice cream.

15) Are you self-conscious? sometimes.

16) Have you ever given money to a bum? i've given money to people who ask for it. but not all of them.

17) Where do you wish you were? les cerqueux sous-passavant with maxime.

18) Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? i don't know.

19) Last gift you received? max bought my ticket to see le science des reves.

20) Last sport you played? i don't know.

21) Things you spend a lot of money on? clothing and shoes and travel.

22) Last wedding attended? clint and nicole

23) Most hated food(s)? black licorice.

24) Can you sing? yes.

25) Last person who called you? i don't know.

26) Whats your least favorite chore? dishes maybe or dusting. dusting.

27) Favorite Drink(s)? demi peche/ mojito/ water/ wine

29) Are you a vegetarian? not anymore.

30) Do you believe in Heaven? no.

31) What jewelry do you wear 24/7? none "24/7"

32) Are you eating? no.

33) Do you eat the stems of broccoli? no.

34) Do you wear makeup? sometimes.

35) Would you ever have plastic surgery? if i were severely injured.

36)What do you wear to bed? it depends on the season.

37) Can you roll your tongue? yes.

38) What kind of shoes? all kinds.

39) What is your Hair color? blonde.

40) Future child's name? i don't know yet.

41) Do you snore? sometimes.

42) If you could go anywhere in the world, where would it be? somewhere magical.

43) Do you sleep with stuffed animals? no.

45) Gold or silver? silver.

46) Hamburger or hot dog? neither.

47) If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life what would it be? french cheese on bread.

48) City, beach or country? all three.

49) What was the last thing you touched?the keyboard.

50) Where did you eat last? the library.

51) When's the last time you cried? yesterday.

52) Do you read blogs? yes.

53) Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex? this is stupid.

54) Ever been involved with the police? i don't know.

55) What's your favorite body part on the opposite sex? hands maybe other parts too.

berlin

is amazing.
amazing. i want to stay here forever.
that's all.

and it's fucking hot.

okay, that's all.

oh my goodness gracious

kelly and i are in marseilles.
i am in love, but not with kelly.
and not with france.
okay, maybe both kind of.
the beach here has sand that is really rocks.
rocks. really.
the ocean is light blue and warm at night. well, not warm but comfortable.
the hostel is fucking hot at night and i sweat and sweat. i will have to take three showers a day.
french improving, it's strange that i actually understand people when they speak to me.
in clermont before kelly came i went to a mountain lake, saw three world cup france matches (france lost the last one-- domage). i am in the home city of zinadine zidane, the most famous football player. or one of the most famous.
kelly and i are trying to find an h and m. we do not have a city map.
i also climbed a mountain in clermont, a volcanic one. or it was next to a volcanic one, i don't remember.
i have eaten A LOT of cheese. more than ever before i think.
i don't regret it.
not so much wine as beer, and i have to quit smoking.
french people are still weird, even though i understand them.
i want to smoke hashish.
i went to le-puy en velay and saw the oldest cathedral i have ever seen in my life.
10th century. it's a small town and everyone knows eachother.
the french people think it's boring, i think it's old and cobbled and beautiful.
the country side is fantastic and green and also beautiful.
the french people think it's no big deal.
we ate at a fancy french restaurant and the mayor was there too and
i ate rabbit.
it was delicious. and bony. i didn't like the bones.
oh that was probably the best meal i will eat in years.
hopefully not though.
okay, i have more but nothing else i have to find a city map.

ohhhh oh oh oh yeah i cut off my hair. i did it. and now it is trés frais.

i love you.

la poste, il est ou?

i have to find a box to send things home.
i am leaving tomorrow for angers, and then going
to les cerqueux.
problem: ted seth jacobs hasn't written back and i don't know
if i should book a hotel in angers or not.
my train leaves really early in the morning, too... 7:30! ahhhhhh.
i suppose that if all else fails i can book a train to clermont and be
there within a few hours. no problem, not at all.
paris isn't bad.
went to centre pompidou and saw great things.
i also like the luxembourg gardens. i'm not really
crazy about being in the big city anymore.
i want to go to castles to drink cheese and eat wine.

okay, i have to go find a box and a baguette. i am so french.

oh shit

in paris and i hate the keyboards.
i am renting a room from a french guy
who stays at his girlfriend's.
it is a charming place and his roomate is nice.
only problem is the landlady lives next door and
wouldn't be happy if she knew i was there, so i am
like an open-air refugee.
london was fun and ridiculous and i really like the parks
and the museu,s.
it doesnt feel like summer time and it's cloudy and rainy
and i'm hungry and nervous. i don't know why i'm so nervous.
i have to go to the postoffice today and get a box. maybe i'll do it tomorrow.

i feel disconnected... i should really eat some food.

a bientot!

I DON'T CARE!

i am in london. this is it. i am drinking beer that tastes like beer at home but i can't put my finger on it so i don't care.i love you. i lourve you. i will be in france in three days. i went to the tate today and to two bars and now i am drunk. if you walk around all day you will think you are hungry and you will eat but your appetite will be minor and really what you will want is beer (i really mean 'i' instead of 'we' but i don't care).i love you, post is coming soon for some of you. there is a kandinsky exhibit opening the 22nd (i almost wrote 33nd but that doesn't esxist in our calendar so i erased it) at the TATE so i will go back and the good people (almost wrote goose) will get postcards. i saw 'un chien andaulsia' for the first time today and some stupid man ray film that had pretty imagery but stupid french music that was like amelie but really i liked it even thought it was trite and stupid and man ray was an a-hole but so were bunuel and dali i guess. i had to go all the way to london to see it (both but i really mean 'un chien...'). i liked it but i think art critisism is shit shit shit so i wont comment, I REFUSE!we are going to brighton tomorrow. i like that. i like london more than paris because paris smells like dog shit. and london has tons of parks that are prety. i am sad that i don't have my dig. camera. hopefully in france i will but today was so good and every moment i wanted a photo. tomorrow i will take my film i think. i am so excited about everywhere else. iloveyou (only some of you you know who you are i won't make a list.)sarahlienaucapshaw.

that was yesterday. now it's today.
national gallery and trafalgar square and buckingham palace
i went all over town.
now i'm at the internet cafe and all alone.
i like it.
it's cold here but apparently for the locals that's not cold.
it might rain tomorrow.
i saw the van eyck painting from my art history class and
it was so magical. so was the man in the red turban. they were
both so small. i ate a pasty (they say pasty like we saw pasta and pasta like we saw pastor). i can't understand anyone even though they all speak english.

met a cute french boy in the park. his name was steven and i showed him how to use my ikon because he has a similar kodak that was his grandfather's. he's on a grand english vacation like i am on a grand european tour.
i miss everyone. the beer is good and not too much, but the exchange is $1.80 to every £1. yowza.

anyhooo. i miss i love and it's all happening happening happening.
i want my digital camera too.

oh shit!

so that feat failed.

europe in two weeks.

it's all happening, including the anxiety attacks.

i feel like i work all the time, even though i know it's not true.

oh i am freaking out.

in lieu of boredom

here begins a documentation of food consumed each day.
i'm not sure about quantities... well, maybe i'll include those too.
i just want to know why my poops look the way they do, and i think this will help.

okay, i'll start with yesterday because that's as far back as i can remember.


YESTERDAY

morning:

slice of white "country bread" with whipped cream cheese. flavor: honey almond.

afternoon:

water and two pints of beer

evening: (post-drunk munchies)

-in no particular order-

water, strawberry poptart, grilled sandwich on two slices of honey wheat bread with spinach, tomato, "christian cheese" from dodson's (it doesn't taste better than the pagan cheese i usually eat), butter on outside, salt, and powdered garlic. also, about 4 sour cream&onion ruffles, two peanut butter twix bars, two double chocolate milano cookies, at least 1/2 cup of roasted lightly salted peanuts. more water.

TODAY:

morning: approximately 1/2 cup of ginger hemp granola, 1 cup of coffee, black.

i'll finish this later.

lunchtime edit:

i went to buy a sandwich before i had to work again. here are the stats.

afternoon: 1/2 sub sandwich from jimmy john's and a 20 oz. water with ice.
in the sandwich:

white bread with approx. 8 (!) thin slices of provolone cheese, brussel sprouts, shredded iceburg lettuce, avacado spread that doesn't really taste like avocados, 6 or so tomato slices. i think that's all.

i'm full. more to come for dinner, assuming i can eat anything else today, probably will just be beer.

failure

i'm going to europe.
i leave 20 june and return 17 august.
since i bought the ticket, my stomach has jumped
up to my throat and my heart fell to my toes.
i'm having miniature anxiety attacks everyday,
and i've started applying for au pair jobs because
i'm so afraid of spending all of my money in one week.
hostels are expensive! train travel is expensive!
eating could be cheap. i'll have to quit smoking for sure.
oh my goodness what was i thinking?

i guess i wasn't thinking.

this is going to be the best trip of my life.

i might die.

librarian

sometimes when i am drunk, i think
that everyone else is drunk too.

grand total of hours worked today= 8.

that's alot for part-time.

school is over but i can't tell. i'm ready to get on that
airplane and fly over the sea. oh boy oh boy oh boy.

i think the magic might be peeking again. or peaking? both,
yipee!

i decided not to hate anybody anymore.
it's hard work.

http://mcsweeneys.net/links/lists/11DavidAbrams.html

don't tell me what to do, bitch.

no more finals.
one more critique.
i kind of want to squirm and
bury myself right now.

i saw a bird making gathering wet leaves for a nest.

it helped me realize that life doesn't matter anyhow,
because mother's still eat their young and birds still use
cigarettes and mulch to make their nests
and people still hate eachother and i still
want to eat cheese and i will always hate dumb bitches
who tell me what to do.

there is no more magic, it's all lost now.

have you seen it, well i've seen it too.

my bike and i have a special relationship.
maybe i take it for granted.
tonight = second night in one and a half weeks
that i've been under some kind of influcence and have crashed and
inflicted some form of physical harm to myself.
it only makes me want to ride more.

i've been listening to the devendra banhart "white sessions".
every song he's ever done that was ever creepy in any
way no longer is. i adore him.

i have so much to do.

europe is looming and i have a conflict. it makes me
want to do do do everything i need, but it also makes me want
to get there and be there and inhale and think of nothing else.
i'm on the verge of obsession with leaving, and i've been contemplating
ditching summer school and making it june-august.
i really believe that i can make this happen.

i want to make so much happen.

magic magic magic.

the morning sickness

i'm very nervous today. i wanted to lie in bed this morning, but
the sun was up and i was thirsty. i made a real breakfast this morning,
egg and toast and coffee. i smoked a cigarette before work. this made me more nervous.
the nicotene and coffee always upset my stomach, but i always do it anyway.
at work, someone brought down a platter of bagels, stale fruit, and mini muffins.
there was half a donut and two cookies, too.
i shouldn't have made such a real breakfast.

i couldn't find my prints from the last critique at home, and i don't know whether or not they are in my locker.
i don't have enough images, and the new ones are insufficient.
they aren't good enough, and they won't stand alone without the others.
i keep hoping that they are in my locker with images i don't need, but
i cannot fathom that it could be so.
i've been reading again, short stories. i'm happy about it.
i feel so nervous that i want another cigarette, but i'm afraid that it
will just make things worse.
1:15 and i'll be finished working. then i can find out
whether or not i'm doomed to everlasting shame.
shame from myself, i'm too difficult.
i know it will be alright, but the images are not exact. they need to be
exact, and they are not. and there are not enough. the rest are still at
the processor's.
stop being so lazy. i have so much to do.
i get so anxious.
none of it matters though, i just have to do it.
everything else is more important, more important.

this feels a slightly like the upright citizen's brigade bit
with alfred einstein making audio diaries and scolding himself
not to masturbate anymore. and he crawls under the rug, talks
about mending his dinner coat. oh, i want to watch that
right now!

some people say that a fetus is a parasite living off of
the mother, and it made me wonder whether or not
that's why women get morning sickness.
but if it's a parasite, then there wouldn't be a womb, right?
or a fallopian tube, etc. women would just be men if it were a parasite.
i looked up parasite and it's classified as something that subists on
the host for most of its life. so if it is a parasite, then could you say
it's not really a human yet? it's a different kind of life in the womb,
but maybe that doesn't mean that it isn't real yet.
and it does inflict harm upon its host, a great deal.
but there can be good, too.
maybe we've learned to accept that it's a parasite, maybe we don't
mind because many of us choose to host it.
but i don't really think it is, not in the true sense of the word.

but what are words, anyhow?

http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/commentary/la-oe-allen1may01,0,3923328.story?coll=la-news-comment-opinions


it's quiet at work today even though there are many students. just no student workers.
i'm actually pretty happy about that.

there is so much magic.